I wrote this in the wake of my previous post and with the fear that regret is viral, eradicated only by intangible hope.
I write this, sitting at my window above the row of gardenias you planted which are now in full bloom. These flowers you have tended, bring me so much joy, thank you.
I am writing to tell you that what you’re doing now, looking at it from afar, is amazing. I know that you often feel beaten. I know that you are tired. I know that you doubt yourself. I know that sometimes you wonder if you should be doing more, giving more.
I’m telling you – you’re fine. You’re great. You still can’t spell and your fashion sense is dubious, but honestly, I look at you, my 35 year old self, with such grace.
You love those boys with all your heart and they have no reason to doubt it. You manage to find a way, however, strange, to let them know that every day. And that’s no mean feat. Because they are, and have no doubt, hard work.
You manage to look after them in such ways that they want for nothing. Nothing meaningful anyway. Truth is, the hard work you are doing, all the things you value for those boys, are important. Even if it’s just important to you. That matters. You should feel proud for sticking to what you value, for knowing when to compromise, for knowing what is negotiable.
The Abomb has a passion for the written word that only you could have encouraged. You have inspired him and ignited a passion for which he will always be grateful. He loves with fierceness which is both overwhelming and breathtaking and this capacity for love has served him well. All the hard work you are doing has paid off so keep going. Know that you do it with love. Know that you do it with his best interests. I only say, try and encourage a gentleness in your relationship.
Sdash is as quirky as he ever was and your love for him lets him know that he never has to fit any mould, that he can be who he is and know that he will be loved. And he makes people laugh, so hard. Can I say you have C to thank for that? Sdash remains a true card. And he is gentle and soft and cares so much. You encouraged that in him. Well done.
Lbaby is a force to be reckoned with, but you knew this right? There is nothing this boy can’t or won’t achieve. He will never come off second best. But all that work, that very hard work that you did means that he wins with graciousness. He is a great sport. He enjoys the lightness of life. For him there is no darkness. He grew up knowing he was loved unconditionally and that with love he can achieve anything. Go you.
And it’s nice that you and C are finally able to enjoy some time together. The years you are putting in now are hard and I can see that it’s a challenge sometimes to remember that you’re on the same team. But you are. And actually, you play pretty well together all things considered – and by all things I mean, the sleep deprivation, the constant cleaning, food preparation, bottom wiping, nappy changing, the ever-careful adjudication, the tidying, driving, sandpit playing, the buckling of seat belts and wiping of noses. All these things take their toll but your patience, however hard you work at it, has paid off and you both now enjoy the people you fell in love with.
Your family is well nourished in all ways. They are loved. They are held. By you.
Trust me, you are amazing despite the inclination you feel towards guilt and inadequacy and occasionally, shame.
I look at you, proud. I look at you with love.
You are so much. More than I can ever say.